


A constant act of pretense and make-believe

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Closeted Character, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Jessica Hawkblue - Freeform, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 05:06:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13334109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: It's been three weeks of continuous pestering when Alec finally caves.[Set before the Series. My take on how Alec came to tell Izzy about Jessica Hawkblue.]





	A constant act of pretense and make-believe

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-P_Tkii_WE).
> 
> Please keep in mind that this is set several years before canon and before Alec and Jace became parabatai. I love Izzy but nobody's born perfect and I think even she had to grow into the perceptive and sensitive person she is on the show.

The worst thing about Izzy's coming of age is not, as Alec had feared, that she starts to have a sex life and he has to witness his baby sister throw herself at more than questionable characters. Not even that she exchanges colorful details of those encounters with Jace while he is present.

It is that she begins to take an interest in Alec's love life. And unlike Jace, Izzy is persistent. There is a reason why Izzy will end up being the youngest forensic pathologist in Nephilim history. When she decides she wants something she puts her whole mind to it and doesn't rest until she gets it. And unfortunately for him she has decided she wants to know everything there is to know about his “romantic adventures” (her words, not his).

There's no place safe for him anymore. She ambushes him everywhere.

“Tell me about your first time,” over breakfast.

“How many girls have you slept with?” when they are sparring.

“What is your type? Brunette? Blond? Curvy? Or do you prefer a girl that's slender?” preparing their weapons.

“Come on Alec, I'm sure you have tons of experience, it's only fair to share,” slicing through demons.

He would tell her that he has exactly zero experience and there is nothing to discover, but he's sure that she won't believe him and he won't have her think he's lying to her.

It's starting to wear Alec down. Not just her never ending assault of curious musings and probing questions, but also the fact that there isn't the shadow of a doubt in her mind that whatever exes he has, they are girls.

She asks him, which female Shadowhunters of the New York Institute he's been with, and when he doesn't react a scandalized smile spreads across her face. “A Mundane? Really? Where did you meet her?”

Alec just shakes his head. For a moment Izzy's triumphant smirk falters, then it comes back in full force. Maybe even stronger. “You hooked up with a _Downworlder_ girl? Tell me everything, Alec!”

Girl. Girl. Girl.

The word seemed to follow him everywhere, it pounds in his ears and screeches in his brain until he can't even make out what Izzy is saying when she opens her mouth for another bout of interrogation.

It's all just noise and there's no escape.

 

~ ~ ~

 

It's been three weeks of continuous pestering when Alec finally caves. They are walking back to the Institute after ridding the world of a few shax demons that had been lurking around the wharf. The dirty back alleys they cross are deserted due to the late hour and so they indulge in the rare luxury of forgoing a glamour.

It would be a pleasant night if Izzy wasn't trying to squeeze information out of him again. He's mostly trying to ignore her attempts at blackmailing him into answering, but he's so tired of this. He wishes she would just stop. It feels like they are talking about nothing else these days. Except they are not _talking_ , because he refuses to say anything and it's a one-sided conversation that's been going on for far too long and maybe, if he gives in just this once they can get it over with and finally move on.

It's a half-baked plan on his part, no conscious decision, but when Izzy grumbles to herself “Can't you just admit you got it on with some chick?” he surprises himself by blurting “Okay.”

There's a moment of stunned silence and they both stop dead in their tracks. Izzy stares at him, and for a fraction of a second Alec foolishly hopes that this is it, he gave an answer and she is satisfied.

Then a frankly alarming smile breaks out on her face and Alec realizes that he just made everything ten times worse.

“Tell me all about her. Where did you meet her, what was it like, what's her name?” She pauses for a second. _“Do I know her?”_

Alec feels himself freeze, not even daring to breathe. His first instinct is to deflect, to revert to his previous tactic of not saying anything, but he knows Izzy's stubbornness. If he says nothing it will go back to the way it was before, with no end in sight, and Alec can't take that.

If he's really doing this, he needs to choose his next words carefully or it will take Izzy less than a day to expose everything he says as the lie it is. Determination eases his panic a little and his thoughts clear. Obviously he can't choose someone from their Institute. It's safer to make someone up completely. And he needs probable circumstances that will convince Izzy she can't meet this person.

Izzy is still staring at him expectantly, brimming with eagerness and he swallows drily. “And?” she asks promptingly.

“It was in Idris,” he states confidently, because Izzy has never been to Idris and probably won't go there for at least another few years. That should be enough time for her to forget everything he is about to tell her.

He's honestly never been so glad that his mother had insisted he come with her to the reception after he'd turned sixteen. The Clave holds it once a year, where every Institute formally delivers their annual report. He said he didn't see the point of a meeting that lasted three days when no one really talked about the contents of their reports, especially because they were in fact sent via intranet beforehand. Maryse wouldn't hear anything of it, told him that networking and representing the Lightwood name were important tasks he shouldn't take lightly and had dragged him along despite his protests. Apparently his socializing skills were this severely lacking that she hadn't asked him to accompany her this time.

Izzy is bouncing in place and pulls Alec from his thoughts. He sees the excited gleam in her eyes and realizes with a sinking feeling that a few years may not be enough to make her forget this. If she really starts to research whatever he tells her she'll be onto him in no time at all. She'll figure it out.

His new-found resolve crumbles. This was a mistake. He can't do this. But if he doesn't... Izzy won't let this go. He knows her too well to believe otherwise.

When he doesn't continue she pulls his arm demandingly. “And? Who is she??”

Alec looks around, desperately searching for a way out but Izzy sees right through him.

“Oh no Alec, you can't get out of this now. You have to tell me.”

Alec feels his heartbeat quicken. He doesn't want to lie to Izzy but he can't tell her the truth. The thought alone makes his skin crawl. The notion of telling another living being what he's never dared to even think in the darkest hours of the night. It can never leave the confines of his mind, let alone his mouth.

Izzy's curious gaze tears into him and he feels like he's choking on nothing but his own wrongness. He wishes he wasn't the way he was, so he wouldn't have to lie to Izzy. Wouldn't have to hide what no one can ever know about him. His deepest secret.

“I don't know why you care about that,” he tries to derail her. “It didn't even mean anything.”

Izzy blinks, clearly taken aback. Alec crosses his arms defensively. “What?”

She shakes her head. “Nothing. I just didn't expect that.” She gives a laugh. “Guess I pegged you for more of a romantic. You know, deep down.”

Alec shudders, the thought that his little sister had spent more time contemplating what he'd be like with someone than he'd ever allowed himself to waste on sitting heavily in his chest.

Izzy continues, oblivious to his inner turmoil. “Anyway, I want to know all about the girl that could capture your eyes if not your heart.”

Alec feels his hands getting sweaty. He can't do this, knowing that this is what the rest of his life is going to be like. Hiding, always hiding and lying, a constant act of pretense and make-believe. And no one there to share his perpetual misery with.

Izzy is still waiting for his answer, seemingly content to stay right where she is however long it takes to coax information out of him. “Was she pretty? I bet she was beautiful.”

At Alec's motionlessness she sighs. “Come on, give me something to work with! What's her name, her eye color. Her hair?”

“Why are you so invested in this?” It comes out more defensive than he'd like.

Izzy doesn't miss a beat. “Because you never tell anyone anything. I know it, I asked Jace.” Izzy looks away, a smudge of sorrow flickering over her features. “I just want to have a part in your life, Alec. We've always shared everything with each other. Why won't you tell me about this?”

_Because you would never look at me the same way again and I don't think I could bear that._

But he can't say that and he can't stand to tell Izzy off, not after he first gave in and even less after this confession from her, and see the shattered hope in her eyes. He can't disappoint her.

He just wants everything to go back to normal. Bitterness surges through him. If _he_ was normal he  wouldn't have this problem. Things would be easy. He could answer Izzy, maybe they could even share a laugh about it and be done with it. But he's not.

And he won't ever be.

Still. He can find a way to make this right.

It was always his part to do what had to be done, to face the unpleasant tasks and not shy away, and so he steels himself, pushes his shoulders back and looks Izzy square in the eyes as he makes up whatever he needs to make his little sister happy.

And it works. Izzy is delighted to hear all about Jessica Hawkblue of the Manchester Institute who was just out of training when they met, her bright blue eyes and wavy brown locks, her sweet smile and wicked skill with a pair of daggers.

 

When he lies in bed that night and thinks of Izzy's cheerful laugh and sparkling eyes during his tale it is almost enough to distract him from the dread curling in his stomach at the certainty that he will never have what he truly wants.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Missed Jace in this one? Check out Kay's Version [Birds of Prey are meant to be alone (or maybe they aren’t)](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13451739).


End file.
